Lacrosse players and their sticks

I've grown up right in the middle of the lacrosse mecca of the world, and I've always followed it with curiosity. It's sort of interesting to watch. Right now, Duke and Hopkins are about to face off in the national semifinal, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. But at the end of the day, let's face it, it's the same as any other goal sport. Soccer, ice hockey, field hockey, and lacrosse are all pretty similar and are interesting if done well.

But that's not what I'm talking about today. I want to talk about lacrosse players. There's only one thing that lacrosse players love more than themselves: their sticks.

If you tuned in early to this wonderful contest, you saw kids prowling the area around the stadium carrying their sticks. The logical assumption here is that they brought their sticks for the same reason people bring footballs to tailgates: it's something to do while waiting for the game to start.

Wrong.

I happened to be in the vicinity of M&T Bank Stadium last year as the semifinals of the NCAA tournament ended. Kids were pouring out of the stadium carrying their sticks. That's right, they actually carried their sticks into the stadium for the game. There are only four conceivable explanations for bringing equipment into a game that you're spectating:

1. You're going to a baseball game, and the thought of catching a searing foul ball with your bare hand doesn't appeal to you.
2. You plan on having someone famous put their signature on said equipment.
3. There is a realistic chance that you will participate in the game that's about to be held.
4. You're a tool.

These kids have totally defied these rules, as they are clearly not headed to a baseball game, there is no such thing as a famous lacrosse player, and none of these kids look old enough to be NCAA eligible. Therefore, they are all tools.

Don't believe me?

Ask any lacrosse player why you should stop playing a good sport like baseball, basketball, or football and pick up lacrosse. Their answer probably won't make any sense. Kind of like this video. But instead of letting that person fill your head with meaningless white upperclass meathead drivel, pay attention to they way they talk. They sound like conspiracy theorists, lashing out at you every time you question them.

Back to their reasoning. They tell you it's the greatest sport on two feet. What? This means aside from polo and crab soccer, it's the greatest game ever. This is clearly not true. Anyway, I guess they were going off the theme of claiming your sport as the greatest game on ______ (i.e. the greatest game on ice = ice hockey, the greatest game on dirt = baseball). However, the greatest game on two feet kind of confusing, so I propose a couple of alternatives:
Greatest game with a bunch of cocky white guys.
Greatest game on grass with sticks with nets on the end.
Greatest game in Suburbia.

I could go on and on about these people, but I'll leave the rest to you.